Author, poet, and porn enthusiast John Reed got several webcam models to read his sonnets in the outfits and settings in which they’re usually stripping and titillating their viewers. These short videos put both the poems and the webcam models in new contexts—beyond that, they’re terrific readings of some great sonnets.
To witness Ron Jeremy have intercourse is to witness a grizzly bear eat a flamingo, or an orphan try to break into a vending machine. He is a manifestation of the grotesque male id, jamming fingers and genitals into every orifice at every opportunity, doing all of these things simultaneously, not making sense, not following some plan, just a man bludgeoning the human body with his sexual impulses. It is like watching a chimpanzee try to open the package of an Xbox controller.
Bad news, everyone. The greatest convenience the Internet has brought us, something our predecessors could never have imagined– 24/7 free porn at the click of a button–has been stained by science. Our collective porn habit was sure to bring upon our heads a day of reckoning, but until now we were all happy to avert our eyes from the blinding light of the truth of Internet smut and keep them locked on the screen instead. But now, my friends, the time has come to face the groovy porn music.
It’s really fun to give someone acid and then make them host a video, and it looks like our colleagues at VICE Germany have picked up on this. They recently gave their buddy Sascha a tab of LSD and sent him to the Venus Erotic Trade Fair in Berlin. It must have been gnarly to trip around all those floppy P’s, V’s, and B’s (that means butts). Here’s the footage he came back with.
Are there scouts in the porn business like in baseball who travel the minor-league circuit looking for the next big star? If so, I think that’s what I’d like to do when I grow up.
There’s one subject that seems to get most military guys riled up, just like anybody else: penises. One soldier, whose profile says only, “Give me your porn,” responded to my “hi” with close-up photos of his hard cock, including one shot of himself wet in the shower and a close up of himself jerking off.
Porn, like any other filmed entertainment, requires camera operators, grips, sound designers, special effects technicians, and, surprisingly, writers. The standard adult film seems like it was written in an hour by a team of 17 horny teenagers on Adderall. In reality, adults write them in an office for money. If you can’t seem to find work writing for the latest NBC sitcom destined for early cancellation, you might be able to earn a decent living devising clever ways to put various objects into the many holes on a human body.
Nadya Suleman—aka Octomom—is about to have sex with herself on my computer screen. Supposedly. I’m beginning to think that it is a lie, because so far she is just twirling back and forth in front of a fountain, making a face like the time I was in traffic, three lanes from the shoulder, two miles from the exit, and accepted that I was absolutely going to have diarrhea in my pants. Now, eight minutes into Octomom: Home Alone, she is trying to balance on a wooden stool, holding both of her breasts in one hand while grabbing her vagina with the other. It is not going well. It looks like someone trying to open the front door while carrying groceries in from the car.
“Everybody watches porn, right? And from time to time, you come across a video that suddenly makes you laugh out loud with your dick or pussy in your hand. I had the best lol-moments with indifferent cats in amateur porn. I searched the web intensively but I couldn’t find anything similar, so here it is.”
Over the past few years, a Christian called Rich Praytor has been making a found footage-style horror film called Harmless. Harmless is about a loving, honest, God-fearing American family that is infiltrated by a demonic box of porn, which, when opened, unleashes a poltergeist that procedes to haunt the house. The main character (played by Rich himself) watches in horror as his home is overcome by the evil spirit, which terrifies his wife and corrupts their eight-year-old son.
