The media keeps telling me that, thanks to the new LA condom laws and the fact that the internet exists, the porn industry is flat broke. But if that’s true, how can they still afford to get their logos tattooed on to my friend Hostgator Dotcom’s body and face?
Nicolas Cage likes to lure his victims into a small basement apartment where he pretends to be lonely and appreciative of their company and insists they stay. Once they’ve fallen asleep, he unhinges his jaw and his mouth grows 40 inches in diameter. His guest is then swallowed whole.
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Last weekend was the premier of the off-Broadway revitalization of Arthur Miller’s Death Of A Salesman, directed by lesser-known reality star sister Kecelia Kardashian and performed at the Players Theater on MacDougal street. Though the classic role of Willy Loman was originally slated to be played by Paul Giamatti, schedule conflicts with American Splendor 2 caused the star to drop. The production had limited time to find a new leading man, causing them to search for talent in unlikely places. Enter: Rick Ross’ Face Chain. Looking to break into New York’s theatre scene, the chain— which is comprised of yellow and black diamonds arranged to precisely resemble Rick Ross’s own sunglasses-clad face— jumped at the opportunity to portray the tragic central role in Miller’s classic, learning the part in just three weeks.
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