A while back, we got a letter from a guy serving time in prison in Upstate New York for selling coke. He mentioned wanting to write for us, but most of the letter was an ultra-obscene freeform narrative about inmates eating fried chicken and getting jerked off by fat broads and jamming condoms full of drugs up their asses. We never saw anything quite like it, so we offered him a weekly column on the spot and we soon worked out a system that allowed him to write for us without alerting the prison authorities, who frown on inmates telling the public what happens behind bars for some reason. He wrote us pages and pages of stuff about being lonely in prison, jerking off (a lot about jerking off), cooking using a microwave, porn, and his life, all under the pseudonym “Bert Burykill” so he wouldn’t get in trouble. He’s continued writing for us after getting out of prison and while going through parole and rehab and we think he’s probably the funniest ex-con writer who specializes in masturbation stories in the world.